Your Permission Slip to Experience the Holidays However You Want To

Here at The Refine Company we personally celebrate Christmas. And we both really enjoy so many parts of the holidays. The connection and, often joyful, interactions with family and friends, the electric buzz in the air, the lights, the gift giving/receiving, the food...we could go on. There is SO much to love about the holidays and Christmas specifically. But that is also sometimes paired with overwhelm, grief or anxiety. We're here to normalize both because they can and do coexist.

The last few years specifically have been really hard for a lot of people. Whether it be family stuff, financial strain, loss of loved ones, loss of friends..really loss of any kind, or just a general state of sadness or despair, it has been tough for many of us.

We want to acknowledge that whatever you're feeling is not only appropriate for your situation, but that you're not alone. There are many of us who share those same feelings with you. You're not crazy if one minute you're experiencing immense joy when driving past Christmas lights and listening to 'It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas' and in the next moment you're feeling a deep sadness that a person you love may not be with you this year. A lot can come up during this season.

It's more normal than we like to admit to feel as though we're in competition with others, that we're doing too much, or that we aren't doing enough. But that just isn't the truth.

Christmas and the Holidays in general can be exactly what we want them to be. There are no requirements. So here's your permission slip to experience the holidays however you want to. Below are a few of the main areas we see a lot of comparison, and we want to start to normalize the feelings that can arise with them.

Beige Christmas vs. Red and Green Christmas

Beige Christmas is all the rage this year. A perfectly curated, perfectly decorated beige and forest green look. You can find endless videos online of people heading to their closest Target and filling their carts with all of the brand new, in-style decor for this year's holiday season. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with embracing this if you have the means to do so, it is also important to note that it is entirely out of reach for most of us. And if you're like us and you see those videos and think you're dropping the ball, we want to remind you, you're not. It's absolutely acceptable, and still the norm to pull all of your old fashioned red and green Christmas decor that has been passed down for generations out of your attic and embracing the nostalgia that that decor brings. You are not less than for not 'living up' to the current aesthetic that's going viral. Again, absolutely no shame to those of you who can afford it and enjoy doing so! Whatever makes you happy, embrace that and do it. There are no "rules" when it comes to Christmas. Don't let social media tell you any different.

Decorating Early vs. Decorating Late

There seems to be a little bit of a back and forth about 'when' the appropriate time is to put the tree up. Or when it's appropriate to bring out the (beige or red and green) decor. Our stance is that it is ENTIRELY up to you, and you shouldn't let what other people think affect that decision. Some people may put the tree up on November 1st because they had a particularly difficult year and the twinkle of the tree's lights brings them a sense of calm. Some people may wait until after Thanksgiving because it's an event they love to partake in with their entire family present. And some people may not put up a tree at all, because someone they love was lost that year and they just can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. Who are we to tell those people that their feelings don't matter? It's so important to be mindful of the comments we make to others because we truly don't know what people are going through. Other people's opinions of what you choose to do in your own home do not matter. There are no rules during the holidays. There should be no guilt attached to whatever you choose. Christmas will come regardless of when and if the tree goes up. Give yourself grace this year.

"It came without ribbons, it came without tags, it came without packages, boxes or bags!" - The Grinch

Buying Gifts vs. Not Buying Gifts

You know that feeling when you look at your Christmas list of people you need to get gifts for and it's....long? And overwhelming? Us too. Our family used to go ham. We would buy gifts for each person in our immediate family, plus gifts for endless extended family members, friends, coworkers and neighbors. While we LOVED sharing Christmas joy in that way, we were also overwhelming ourselves with unnecessary debt each year that affected us greatly during the months following. Sound familiar? Since coming to this conclusion, we have taken gifts out of the equation almost entirely. Each year we draw names for our immediate family, and get them a gift or two. And then we find small, meaningful ways to share the joy with other family members, friends and neighbors. Like bringing them a plate of homemade cookies, writing them a meaningful Christmas card, or attending an event together. Not only does it take away the overwhelm of trying to figure out what kind of gifts people would even like, but our wallets thanked us too. For many people, gift giving is a love language, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you LOVE giving gifts and you have the means to do so, by all means, do it. What a beautiful gesture that is. In the same breath, remember that you are not required to go deeper into debt so Aunt Cindy can open up a gift, pretend she likes it and then store it in a bin in her basement for the rest of eternity. Do what feels best for you, and allow yourself to let go of the judgement that may come with that. You are the one that has to make the credit card payment and live with the discomfort of going against what you really wanted. You're allowed to say no to anything you can't or don't want to do!

Family vs. Friends

Here's the thing, you can celebrate Christmas whenever you want to and with whomever you want to. Period. Again, there are no rules. Some people love spending Christmas with their immediate family and truly thrive in that environment. Some people don't have a relationship with their family and really love being surrounded by their close friends. Some people don't want to celebrate with anyone but the people in their household, and that's perfectly fine too. There's no need to put pressure on yourself to show up or be anywhere that you don't want to be. Toxicity among families is more common than one would think. If you're experiencing this in any form, please know you're not alone. We truly believe most, (read:all) families have a touch or more of dysfunction. Just because it's the Christmas season, that doesn't mean you have to go against what you know in your heart to be true, just to keep the peace. You actively choosing to keep the peace with someone else, is also you actively choosing to destroy the peace within yourself. That isn't noble, it's damaging. You deserve to have the experiences you desire, regardless of how that looks for you. Boundaries are essential!

Easier Said Than Done

Choosing yourself and doing what feels best for you sounds great, in theory, but it's a lot easier said than done. We totally get it. We all carry a lot of generational trauma that has unfortunately been passed down for years. Most of us grew up in households where choosing what was best for us was not the norm because people pleasing was. And for a majority of us, it still is. Change like this doesn't happen over night, but small shifts lead to bigger ones. No is a complete sentence and explaining yourself isn't required. You can be kind while also holding your boundaries firm. At first it will feel extremely uncomfortable and you will experience the inevitable guilt, but over time you'll feel your body relax and you'll truly cherish the fact you started listening to yourself first. Trust us. It isn't necessary to abandon yourself to please someone else, despite what most of us have been taught. Because if we do that, no one wins in the end.

The Christmas season can be whatever you want it to be. Maybe it's putting the tree up on November 1st and spending a little extra time under the twinkling lights, maybe it's skipping the gifts and bringing your neighbors a plate of cookies while spending time laughing with them in the living room, or maybe it's the pure chaos of Black Friday and getting the sales to shower those you love in gifts because that's your love language. Remember to normalize your experience regardless of what it looks like for you, because it's different for everyone. You don't have to let social media, or comments and opinions from others sway what you truly want and need this year. You deserve to embrace what feels good to you. And remember, you're not alone in that.

In Closing,

We like to think of Christmas in the same way that The National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation movie plays out. Think about the amount of joy that is felt while watching their family endure the true authenticity and realness of the experience we ALL tend to have during the holidays. That alone is proof we're not alone in our experiences. There's a reason we all relate to it and think it's funny! The shitter may not be full, we may not be stuck under a semi on our way to cut down the Christmas tree, but I think we can all relate to how Clark felt during his famous rant. "Hallelujah, holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"

Moral of the story, be true to how you feel. We all really are in this together!